Fiery Friends

Much like the word 'love,' the word 'friend' is generally a catch-all term for many kinds of relationships. A unique type of 'friendship' is when we have a 'friend' that we are attracted to, but that certain structures prevent any deeper romantic relationship from developing. This article will cover this often complicated type of relationship.

What is a Friend?
A 'friend' is often someone we have some level of interpersonal interest in and have a mutual experience of sharing life with. The emotions of friendship can run the spectrum depending on the depth of the friendship, but ultimately they are secure and mutually supportive connections with others. Most ideas of 'friend' include some kind of warmth and care for the other person, but they would not include feelings of romantic love or lust. This differentiates a friend from a 'romantic partner', 'lover', or 'potential lover' since those types of connections would include motivation for action toward a deeper romantic or sexual intimacy.

Fiery Friends
So what about those people that we have a friendly connection with, that also includes a little (or a lot) of romantic attraction, and certain boundaries that ultimately make a romantic connection impossible or dangerous?

A classic example would be two people who are both married developing a connection that has all of the elements of friendship, but both know that if the context of their lives was different, they would likely try to date one another. Their time together seems free and easy, maybe even has some flirtatious or sexual charge, and they really look forward to spending time together. Often the connection is palpable.

Most people in these situations would describe this relationship as "just friends", but there can be a danger in not acknowledging the actual process that is unfolding. Essentially, when we label a person a "friend" we often default to using boundaries and relationship strategies that we use for all 'friends'. This would be fine, except that those standards can create a more profound intimacy and attraction, which can lead to other serious relationship challenges.

Our culture does not (to my knowledge) have a name for this type of relationship, which makes it more difficulty for us to categorize and approach effectively. Therefore, I am proposing we call these connections "fiery friends". Another thing to understand is that these kinds of connections are not unusual, and are not unhealthy as long as they are understood and managed well. For more on why these can develop, see my post on Romantic v Committed Love.

Walking in the Garden
Many people that come across the potential for a fiery friend avoid it and/or suppress their interest, closing themselves off to the enriching aspects of the relationship. Others make the mistake of over-indulgence, and risk destroying other structures of their lives and the relationship itself through infidelity, violating work rules, or other unsavory situations.

In choosing to have a fiery friendship, each person involved needs to determine for him/herself what must be in place for it to work. Some of the big things to consider are the comfort of romantic partners, the types of activities done/not done together, the depth of interpersonal and emotional processing, the amount of time spent together, and whether to talk about the shared fiery feelings.

There is no blueprint or one-size-fits all solution to apply here, but one of the more tried-and-true examples would be what a mentor of mine described as "visiting the museum" or "walking in the garden". So imagine that when you visit with this person, it is like visiting an art museum where your favorite sculpture or painting is in a room just for you. During your time you get to appreciate the beauty and power of it, enjoy the special time together, and soak in the good feelings. However, after a little while you leave and rejoin regular life, but you let the piece stay in the museum where it belongs, and you don't visit every day.

I think there is real wisdom in this approach, and it avoids the suppression/over-indulgence problems, giving people the chance to have a special (and sustainable) fiery friend, without it becoming dangerous. Counseling can also be a helpful process in understanding these relationships, and how they fit into the context of life and other established connections.